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Despite many years of warnings thought only to be friendly kidding, area artist Ted Burns died yesterday from starvation.

Family and friends remembered the warning signs and sighed at the funeral. Brother Jim Burns was quoted as saying ?We all knew [Ted] wasn?t doing really well, but we all just assumed that when he talked about being a ?starving artist,? he was just making a reference to the common reference to failing artists. We never actually realized that he was just malnourished.?

His Widow, Samantha Burns agreed, ?I was never hungry and neither were our children. Ted just must have taken the whole ?failure? thing one step too far.? Adding, ?I mean, honestly, he didn?t need to try that hard to be a ?starving artist.? He really sucked. Now who?s going to pay my alimony??

Although his career never bloomed, the reasoning behind his death seems to be more than it seems. Many family members blame Burns? falling into ?that crowd,? meaning a group of self-loathing, no-talent painters ? another loss of life to peer pressure.