Plasmafunk! | Humorous Articles

According to a new study, with the advent of new technologies and time saving devices, cultures across the globe have, within the last century, undergone a steady "wussifying," say scientists and historians.

"Just look at history," argues Dr. Henry Gardner of the New Jersey Institute of Cultural Studies, "Everyone used to be all badass, but now... jeez. You can't throw a dead cat without seeing a once proud Russian or Englishman now wearing a sweater and khakis, investigating in cookware or nesting dolls."

And the argument seems to be gathering momentum, as anecdotal proof of "wussification" seems concrete. Gardner added sadly, "Where are the knife games, the fist fights in the streets, and the 'walking to school uphill both ways in five feet of snow'?"

Americans once had their "wild west," a place where brawls were commonplace and six shooters rang in the night. Now, the west is known for shooting ... photographs, and drinking ... water. Even Death Valley seems less frightening. When you used to think of Russia, you used to think of stuff like gang wars and communism. Now, you think of things like winning the Olympics.

The only region to have retained, and even gained badassness (or badassicity) is Ireland. As Gardner said "Would you want to be caught in their soccer riots? And it's soccer for cryin' out loud!" The teeth to mouth ratio of the Irish is also considerably lower than other nationalities. The "teeth test" is a common barometer of the number of badasses in a given area.