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In response to several years of the liberal ?books, not bombs? campaigns, military officials this week finally took heed, realizing that an unabridged dictionary from 30,000 feet will still do a lot of damage.

Desperate to ease military spending throughout the war, President Bush finally acquiesced to protesters, agreeing Wednesday to try to kill as many Iraqi civilians as possible with large books instead of the more expensive alternative, actual mortar. The President even donned one of the familiar ?books, not bombs? pins on his lapel throughout his speech.

Donald Rumsfeld praised the protesters for their economic alternatives and regretted a year and a half of ?wasting tax payers? dollars on explosives,? adding pensively, ?I mean they?ve already got holes, why make more?? The new tactical approach to the problems throughout the Middle East is to either literally ?throw the book at them [people without white skin]? or bore them to death with said books, such as any Jon Grisham novel.

Military strategists are debating the effectiveness of such a plan of attack, but have since its inception praised the spreading of any form of American culture into other countries, even it forced into a rebel?s cranium from an airplane.

On the other side of the hand, such use of books could be a useful form of removing any liberal rhetoric from libraries, sending Catcher in the Rye to rot in the sands for the last damn time.